I Wish't I Was In Peoria
Words by Billy Rose and Mort Dixon
and Music by Harry Woods

Copyright 1925/1951 MPL Communications

* Note: The verses used in the accompanying recording by "Perfessor Bill" are 1, 6, and 7. Any choruses may be used.

Verse 1: S. O. S., S. O. S., Captain we are lost,
Our ship is wallowing in the sea, by wind and wave we're tossed,
Lifeboats here, lifeboats there, Hear the shrieks and groans,
The captain calls "All hands on deck!" and says in trembling tones:

Chorus 1: Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.
Oh how I miss the "goils" in Peoria, Peoria, tonight.
Oh you can pick a morning gloria right off the sidewalks of Peoria.
Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.

Verse 2: What a song, what a song, Hear the wild applause,
The Metropolian Op'ra House is crowded to the doors,
"Bravo" here, "bravo" there, "Bravo" with a bang,
Gatzi Katzi sang a song, and this is what he sang:

Chorus 2: Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.
Oh how I miss the flies in Peoria, Peoria, tonight.
Why should I sing Toreadoria when I can sing about Peoria.
Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.

Verse 3: Play the fife! Play the drum!
Give a big hooray,
The great professor from Heidelberg
Is speaking here today.
Silence here, Silence there,
While he starts to preach,
The great professor clears his throat,
And makes this brilliant speech:

Verse 4: Battling Jack, Cyclone Jim,
Title is at stake,
They're putting up a terrific fight,
They punch and clinch a break.
Jack goes down, Jime goes down,
Both knocked out you see,
As the Referee counts them out,
They sing in harmony:

Verse 5: Johnny Brown, all run down,
Lost his job one day,
They landlord gave him a dispossess
And burglars came his way.
Butcher here, Baker there,
Ringing Johnny's bell,
Wifie had a pair of twins,
And he began to yell:

Verse 6: Doctor White, Doctor Brown,
Doctor Smith and Jones,
Have all decided to operate
On Barney Google's bones.
Nurses here, nurses there,
Someone sends a wreath,
Barney lies there helplessly,
And murmurs through his teeth:

Verse 7: Mike McCann, married man,
Has a jealous wife,
He's in love with a chorus girl
And leads a double life.
Wife breaks in, catches him,
She's all set to kill.
Blooey, Blooey, Bang! Bang! Bang!
I'll read you his last will:

Chorus 3: Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.
Oh how I miss the mud in Peoria, Peoria, tonight.
The present Mayor of Peoria
Works in the Five and Ten Cent Storia,
Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.

Chorus 4: Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.
They chased the laundry our of Peoria, Peoria, tonight.
The legislature passed a law-ria
And bought a bath tub for Peoria.
Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.

Chorus 5: Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.
The Cops are all asleep in Peoria, Peoria, tonight.
I've got a swell home in Peoria
And we've got sawdust on the floor-ia,
Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.

Chorus 6: Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.
We've got a lot of brains in Peoria, Peoria, tonight.
That big hotel Waldorf Astoria,
Gets all their porters from Peoria
Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.

Chorus 7: Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.
They're yelling "Whoops my dear" in Peoria, Peoria, tonight.
They've got a big red-blooded warrior,
He wears a red tie in Peoria,
Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.

Chorus 8: Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.
They trim their nails with guns in Peoria, Peoria, tonight.
The knives and forks out in Peoria
Are always chained down to the floor-ia,
Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.

Chorus 9: Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.
They use the best perfume in Peoria, Peoria, tonight.
The pretty girlies think much more o' ya,
If you eat Garlic in Peoria,
Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.

Chorus 10: Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.
The girls have eyes of glass in Peoria, Peoria, tonight.
The beauty contest, Miss Peoria,
Fought in the Revolution War-ia
Oh, how I wish't I was in Peoria, Peoria tonight.