March 2005: Not stirring up controversy this time, I have decided to stick to some of the more mundane things that happen in a ragtime piano player's life. Glossing over the sick kids part of February (we had flu and strep spread over three children at various times) plus car issues (mysterious blown tire on PT-2, the convertible, and an icy encounter with a curb on PT-1, the hardtop, involving wheel bearings and the like), it has largely been about getting through February because of that day of the biological odometer click, and early March because of a major (to me) concert appearance. But first, a loose end.
MARY ROACH - THE REAL ANSWER TO HER IDOLNESS
After my late January blog on American Idol (linked above), the real Mary Roach, who actually lives right down the road from me, contacted me with thanks for an alternate approach to why she may have actually appeared like Scary Mary on TV. Without delving too deeply into our private discussions, I can reveal to the world that this 18-year old is ON THE BALL. She was, indeed, pulling the legs of the American Idol people, but not intentionally of the American public. The goal? Mary is a potential stand-up comedian/entertainer. I can tell you that not only is her presentation of words very well crafted and extremely literate, but her sense of humor and acerbic wit are well-honed for her years, and most certainly quick and on-target. She most honestly credits herself as an "attention whore" or one looking for publicity. Unlike the last 15-minute outcast, William Hung (doing web search commercials? Really?), Mary was more intentional in her approach, and got the desired jump start. I have been a pseudo-celebrity for some time (even had a couple of stalkers, so I guess that puts me in that club), but in a matter of a few weeks, Mary has surpassed me using her intelligence, wit, and rather bodacious, well, for the sake of family audiences I'll suppose that you understand. Bounce bounce. She will go far in show business, and will earn that right. Think Ellen (sans obvious personal preferences, of course) and you'll understand. Mary is currently taking classes here in Northern Virginia and Washington, D.C. in Theater Arts that will further reinforce her ability to make us all smile. Worked for me. We will be friends for some time, I am sure. You can further feed her ego and your curiosity with a visit to www.maryroachweb.net.
WHEN ARE BIRTHDAYS FINALLY DEEMED UNNCESSARY?
Yeah, I just added another theoretical biological odomoter notch. So what. Whoopee. I went around the sun again. Most of us did, right? Anyhow, I tried something new this time (in addition to the usual denial): Not blowing on anything burning or not listening to any mundane songs with that word in it. It worked. I didn't grow older. I think. Sure, when you're younger you want to rush to 21. Twenty is a sort of sucky age, since you are too old (supposedly) to hang out with high school kids (I still do, but in a good way) and to not have a job, but not old enough to drink, gamble, or get involved in other debauchery that you will later find out is vastly overrated. If I could freeze, I would likely pick 18. High school, in spite of some pitfalls, was a great time overall. We got to do musicals like Fiddler on the Roof, Brigadoon, West Side Story, etc., and could drive to cultural events at the Music Center in downtown LA, and get into all movies, but not be expected to enter directly into a career. Yeah, 18 is good. Maybe I could have even fooled the American Idol people if given a long enough shot at 18. Actually, 24 was pretty good too, playing around in Durango, Colorado, both on the piano and casually making my way through college. Expenses were low, so I was able so support myself as a pianist and piano technician. That was good. Beyond that, I wanted to start freezing the years.
This is not to say that something good has not happened since that time, since I can name maybe 30 events of significance that I would not mind revisiting. But there are also at least 30 events of trauma that I would rather forget. I don't have that capacity, since I absorb and keep everything in my mind (including three different sets of lyrics to Gilligan's Island). So denial seems to at least block access to those particular synapses until I am caught unaware, and they surface with jarring results on my psyche. Since I am keeping this to generalities, and keeping other people for the most part out of it, I'll let the good and the bad go unmentioned for the moment. Many of you know what some of those are if you've been with me for a while.
There are also many hassles involved with that most horrible of birthday (I typed it!) events - that of shifting into a new demographic. This requires some extreme lifestyle changes. In a matter of a week you are expected to shift political parties, change radio listening habits, acquire some lurking disease or the beginnings of it, revamp your wardrobe and hairstyle, and generally just conform to that demographic. Not gonna happen with me. Let me give you an example of such a choice. Consider two well-known celebrities: rocker Sammy Hagar and sports figure Terry Bradshaw. I saw them on The Tonight Show in the recent past, both together. Hagar had on the usual Hawaiian shirt with shorts, and his cool ultra hip long hair. Bradshaw had on a very nicely tailored suit and his remaining hair was nicely arranged. Consider that these two guys are the SAME AGE! I know people my age who are ten years older than me, and I am (flatteringly) often mistaken for somebody one or two demographics behind me (who's to argue?). I plan to keep it that way, or as long as all my hair stays with me. I CAN'T BIDE 55 (sorry Sammy) but I'm pretty far from there yet as well.
Then there's two other points of denial I have because of what either I or friends and colleagues have experienced at certain ages. For one, a kid in high school (weren't we just there) is hard on many of them, and the kids also continue to drive that point home, sometimes directly, making denial hard to maintain. The other, which I have sadly experienced over the past few years, is that people a generation ahead of you start dying off. This past year I lost my stepfather, Sam Edwards, who had raised me, and in the past few years two grandfathers. Having grown up surrounded by people who were in radio or early television, many who I called friend or mentor, it has been sad to see them dissapating as well, something that was hard on Sam in the last couple of years before his mercifully quick death. See, if I don't get older, they don't get older. Don't we have the science to alter biology enough to make us all age slower (the candle avoidance paradigm)? And can't we also use satellites with magic beams to slow birth rates in high density areas or something? (Please don't write me about that - this is a theoretical discussion that is not theoretically tongue in cheek.) SOMETHING needs to be done. When we all agree it's been long enough, we disappear through concurrence and majority vote. Think of how well that would work with certain people in this world. We can discuss them, maybe, oh, sama other time. (Again, no letters please. It's a mock editorial.)
So I propose that since aging should stop by choice, we should start with the following through our legal system. Happy Birthday to You (originally Good Morning to You) is still under copyright, as the Girl Scouts of America who were sued over it can attest. So is Sherriff John's Put Another Candle On Your Birthday Cake, the 1950s hit Happy, Happy Birthday Baby, and the Beatles' Birthday. If ASCAP, BMI, SESAC, CCLI or whoever really want to do us a favor, they will have their little militias spread out everywhere handing out huge fines to anybody who violates these copyrights. In fact, lets even extend those copyrights even longer on these pieces. That will help put the kabosh on parties. This goes especially for the worst kind - the mob scenes that are common in many restaurants when the staff, who has no clue who you really are makes a lot of noise and attempts to sing some clever paeon to your age. How about if somebody, like Bill Gates for example, were able to trademark the word Birthday? Less incentive yet to use it. And outlawing those dangerous little accidents waiting to inflame the day, those skinny birthday candles, would certainly minimize this type of hedonistic masochistic event. OK, maybe we can keep the gifts thing, like have our cake and presents too, but that would be more a pennance to your fitness as a good person than about adding a number to the one you already lie about.
In reality, many Eastern cultures regard your "birthday" as one day only - the one on which birth was given to you. It is a unique event that only took place one time in one particular year. THAT sounds like a good law, except when do you reach drinking age?
On the other hand - I was born just a couple of hours short of leap day. OK, technically a couple of hours and a year, but still pretty alarmingly close. My beef is all the whiners who already have all they could ask for. Those "leap-baby" types. "Oh, boo hoo, I have the body of an adult but I'm only five years old!" Spare me. I betcha not only do you have those little celebrations every year, but that most of you do it on MY day, the 28th. But us February 28th people can strike back. If you are not yet in denial, make it like a mini-Chanukah (PLEASE, no letters on this either, as I have many good Jewish friends - some may be bigger than you are). They take OUR day three years in a row? Well, our b-day technically starts 12:00 AM February 28th and technically ends 12:00 AM March 1. So why not! Have two parties with twice as many presents and cakes and all. Or, if you're like me, leap year is a great opportunity for double the denial and double the pity. Boo hoo! Why couldn't I have been born one (+ 365) day later!
Maybe someday I'll be in a different frame of mind and actually *gasp* grow up. But that would require aging, so I doubt it. In any case, I'll go my way and maybe you will too, right? C'mon, smile a little. It's not April quite yet, but you can still be fooled a little. Lincoln was right. Now that should put some gray hairs on your head (but not on mine, thank you!).
Next time: I don't know. It hasn't come to mind yet.
GO BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE BEFORE YOU GOT HERE
Do you have some thoughts on this aging topic? Informative or constructive ones are always welcome. You can write to me at perfbill@hotmail.com, but be informed in advance that I may choose to temporarily post some of the letters here unless explicitly asked not to.